Life's Turnings

On Monday I am facing a layoff at work. I may find myself moving into retirement a little earlier than I expected. I have realized I am probably not cut out to be a consultant. I don't have the energy I had earlier in my life. My stroke in 2004 has taken some of the wind out of my sails.

If I am not chosen for the layoff, some of my friends will be leaving me. In any case my work environment is truely changing. I have been asking the Lord to guide me, and He has given me great peace about this. Whatever happens, I will not be begging bread.

I do wish I had some of this wisdom earlier in my life when I faced some very difficult times. I did put my trust in the Lord, but before the stroke I didn't really understand how faithful He was, or how He would put people in my life to truely bless me.

Thank you Lord for your steadfastness!

Children bring humility

My darling oldest daughter has started blogging. I'm learning her perspective on a number of things that until I read the blogs, I viewed differently. Being a parent is humbling. My desire for my children was that they be competent, caring contributing people, and so they are. I weep when I read that my wounds were truly stumbling blocks for them.

I know that my parents loved me, but they like me weren't very good at loving. In their own stumbling way they tried to help me avoid the errors of their lives. Like me they over-corrected and caused me to have a false view of my self.

I don't think my father ever had an honest discussion with my granddad. As a result his way to deal with me was the way of command. I don't think he ever realized what a lifelong curse that was. I have not felt comfortable confronting my management in an appropriately humble and sincere way. In order to confront, I have had to stir myself to anger, which has ended up with no-one listening, no-one hearing. As Paul said in Colossians 3:21 "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged". Discouraged I was for most of my life, never expecting to actually be heard.

This the Father of Lies has used to keep me discouraged. I have bosses tell me all kinds of discouraging things, many of which told me how I felt or how my method of approaching a problem wasted a lot of time. This was pretty painful, as I was solving problems that had escaped solutions by others with more education and experience.

If my children should ever have children, I hope their lives will learn from my experience, and know that they are loved not only by their Mom and I, but by a truly Awesome God who doesn't have to stumble over the wounds that have kept me from being the father I truly wished to be.